A Letter To Winter

The Season Of Feeling Saudade

So I wouldn’t call this the most creative post, but in some ways I guess it is because writing things out is always therapeutic and creative in a sense no matter what its about. This is more of a check in post (hi yes hello i’m still here) because I haven’t done much creatively lately. The January blues, and just winter blues in general are hard despite the especially warm winter we’ve been having in California. These months are always hard because of the loss of my mom. This month marked 4 years since she passed away and I always feel the sense of missing her as the time gets closer, I start feeling nostalgic and try to keep myself as together as possible bracing myself for the hard feelings that are to come.

Now not many people understand when I say my mom was a special person and that everyone loved her, those words are a bit vague and its hard to describe the love everyone had for her because it was justly such a strong feeling. She was kind, forgiving to a fault sometimes, the best cook, good at holding her tongue, literally everyones best friend because everyone loved her, she was mine and my sisters best friend too and the best one we ever had. Hearing her laugh is one of the thing I miss most because she was just such a happy person despite everything she went through in life, she always endured and did her best to remain positive. I strive every day to follow her example is so many ways and think what she would do if she were in situations I’ve been going through in life. I’m so thankful I had her as my example to live by and follow.

One of the things that makes me think of her in positive ways this season when I get to cook soups and roasts in my Cornwall blue Le Creuset she got me right before she passed and I was getting married the next month. Our first few years of marriage were hard because I’ve always been someone to process my emotions a long time so I was grieving for pretty much our first 3 years, then finally saw some light thankfully. The first year though was especially hard, I didn’t enjoy cooking like I used to with mom and I think it was because it just made me sad, and I was sad! But now I get so excited when I have a recipe to make in it, I dream about cooking with her again and think about if she would like this recipe, and just find joy in it again!

Anyways, I’m looking forward to hopefully a better month in February with less ups and downs and celebrate mine and Kody’s 4 year anniversary. As hard as it is sometimes having a bad month and one that makes you happy right after it, its good to have something fun and exciting to have on the calendar to kind of celebrate getting through the rough times as well. This wasn’t supposed to be a doom and gloom post, more just to get my words out and explain my absence I guess.

Also, on a side note - I started reading the Marie Condo book (how I brace myself trying to keep it together before my emotions went wild) and it is a life changer! It has actually helped a lot while feeling down some days because I try to still keep things in order as much as possible which also helps my mind be clear. So I would highly recommend it.

I do have some fun ideas popping in my head as well that I think I’ll play around with on substack and social media starting February. I started caring for my grandma once a week now, which I absolutely love! So I was thinking Id share outfit posts that way as a what I wear to work day as a caretaker, plus what I cook and bake for her and share those recipes. My grandma loves food and finding new recipes so there will be some good one for sure. Wonder where we got that quality from, hm?

Well I’m off to make some dinner now! Thanks for reading if you did and I love all those who have been supporting me on this venture (whatever this venture is) and being there in general for me!

-Makenzie x